Kristofer Ahlström: It’s Hell to Be a Man Trying to Gather Your Friends

Reading Kristofer Ahlström’s recent column in Dagens Nyheter about the near-impossible task of modern male friendship hit me like a familiar Chicago winter gust off Lake Michigan—sharp, unavoidable, and somehow both personal and universally felt. His observation that “det är ett helvete att vara man och försöka samla sina vänner” isn’t just a Swedish lament; it echoes in the basement rec rooms of Rogers Park, the park benches along the 606 trail, and the quiet corners of Wicker Park bars where guys linger too long over one beer, unsure how to transition from “hey” to “let’s actually talk.” This isn’t about lacking opportunity; Chicago’s brimming with it—neighborhood festivals, softball leagues, volunteer drives at the Greater Chicago Food Depository. It’s about the invisible weight, the learned hesitation that makes initiating plans feel like scaling a cliff face in February.

Ahlström frames male friendship as caught between outdated scripts and new anxieties—a dynamic I’ve seen play out in real time at places like the McCormick Tribune Plaza in Millennium Park. You’ll see groups of women effortlessly flowing from one conversation to another, although clusters of men often stand slightly apart, phones in hand, waiting for an unspoken signal. It’s not indifference; it’s the residue of a cultural equation that equates male vulnerability with weakness, a legacy visible even in how Chicago’s public health initiatives, like those run by the Chicago Department of Public Health, sometimes struggle to engage men in mental health outreach despite offering free, accessible programs at neighborhood clinics. The irony is palpable: a city built on bold architecture and bold ideas still harbors spaces where men fear the boldness of saying, “I miss you. Let’s hang out.”

This hesitation carries second-order effects that ripple through community health and civic engagement. Consider the data—though not explicitly stated in Ahlström’s piece—that social isolation correlates strongly with increased risks for cardiovascular disease and depression, conditions disproportionately affecting middle-aged men in urban centers like Chicago. When men struggle to maintain close friendships, they’re less likely to notice subtle health shifts in each other, less likely to encourage preventative care visits to places like Rush University Medical Center or Northwestern Memorial Hospital, and less likely to collectively advocate for neighborhood improvements. The Strengthening Chicago’s Youth initiative, for example, often finds its most effective messengers aren’t formal leaders but trusted peers—and when those peer networks fray among men, whole blocks lose organic channels for sharing resources about job training at City Colleges of Chicago or conflict mediation through Alternatives, Inc.

Yet amid this challenge, there’s quiet adaptation happening in Chicago’s social fabric. Look at the rise of structured, low-pressure gatherings designed specifically to bypass the awkwardness—things like the monthly “Dudes & Donuts” meetups hosted at independent cafes like La Colombe in Logan Square, or the walking groups that form spontaneously along the Lakefront Trail near Montrose Beach, where the shared activity (walking, chatting about the Cubs’ latest slump) provides a natural rhythm that makes conversation feel less like an interrogation. Even faith-based communities, such as the various congregations within the Archdiocese of Chicago, are experimenting with men’s groups that focus less on doctrine and more on shared experiences—fixing bikes together, cooking meals for shelters at the Pacific Garden Mission—proving that when the pressure to “perform” masculinity lifts, connection often follows.

Given my background in community storytelling and urban sociology, if this trend of friendship fragmentation impacts you in Chicago, here are the three types of local professionals you need to realize about—not as service providers, but as potential catalysts for rebuilding those vital connections:

• Community Arts Facilitators: Look for individuals or collectives (often affiliated with organizations like the Chicago Park District’s Night Out in the Parks program or local arts councils) who specialize in creating low-stakes, creative gatherings—think collaborative mural projects in Humboldt Park, drum circles at beaches, or storytelling workshops at venues like the Logan Center for the Arts. The key criterion isn’t artistic talent; it’s their ability to design activities where the focus is on shared doing, not intense personal disclosure, allowing camaraderie to build organically through laughter and shared creation.
• Neighborhood-Based Wellness Coordinators: Seek out professionals working within Chicago’s network of Federally Qualified Health Centers (like those operated by Mile Square Health Center or Esperanza Health Centers) or community YMCAs who run men’s wellness initiatives. Effective ones prioritize peer-led formats over clinical lectures—think walking book clubs discussing non-fiction at the Harold Washington Library branches, or cooking classes focused on affordable, healthy meals held in church basements. Verify they emphasize strict confidentiality and create spaces where showing up consistently matters more than sharing deeply.
• Intentional Social Infrastructure Designers: This category includes urban planners, librarians (especially those managing branches like the expansive Harold Washington Library Center or vibrant regional hubs), and even proactive baristas or librarians who understand how physical space shapes interaction. Look for those advocating for or implementing “third place” principles—designing lobbies with conversational seating clusters instead of rows, creating parklets along commercial strips like Devon Avenue that encourage lingering, or hosting regular, unthemed game nights (chess, board games) at public libraries. Their skill lies in recognizing that friendship often needs a well-designed container to flourish.

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