Reclaim Your Worth: How Your Money Story Reveals Your Hidden Self
The relationship many of us have with money isn’t about finance at all. It’s a deeply personal reflection of our internal landscape – our sense of security, worthiness, and even love. As a coach for two decades, I’ve found the most resonant work isn’t about budgeting or investing, but about understanding the unconscious stories we tell ourselves about money, and how those stories shape our lives. It’s about recognizing where we’ve unknowingly given our power *to* money, and learning how to reclaim it.
The Unseen Projection
When someone equates money with security, it often reveals a deeper insecurity. Here’s a psychological phenomenon called projection – attributing our own internal feelings or needs to an external source. We outsource our sense of self-worth to something tangible, something we believe we can control. This isn’t about positive thinking. it’s about recognizing and reclaiming parts of ourselves we didn’t realize were missing.
The process, influenced by Peter Koenig’s work on projection-reclamation, unfolds in three stages: noticing the projection (what money *means* to you), owning that projection fully, and finally, integrating the opposite truth. It’s a journey of self-discovery, not financial planning.
From Equation to Empowerment
I worked with a client who realized, through exploration, that “money for me is love.” Growing up, financial stability equated to care and security; when money was scarce, love felt absent. This created an unconscious equation: no money = no love. This deeply ingrained belief shaped her entire professional life, leading her to chronically undervalue her services, fearing that charging her worth would make her unlovable.
Through reclamation work, she articulated the truth: “I’ve believed I’m only loved when I have money.” Then, crucially, she held the opposing thought: “I am loved regardless of money, and I can charge what I’m worth.” Within three months, she increased her fees by 40 percent. But the real transformation wasn’t financial; it was internal. She shifted from performing for love to working from a place of alignment.
A Personal Reckoning
This work wasn’t theoretical for me. My own father used money as a form of control, fluctuating my inclusion in his will based on his approval of my life choices. When I asserted my independence and took a trip he disapproved of, he issued an ultimatum. I went anyway, believing I’d freed myself from his influence. But I hadn’t addressed the underlying projection.
My father had equated money with conditional love. In response, I began rejecting money altogether, seeking relationships and opportunities where finances weren’t a factor. I framed this as integrity, but it was actually another form of projection. I’d simply flipped the script.
The turning point came when a wealthy aunt offered me an expensive watch. I refused it, stating I wanted her company, not a gift. Her puzzled response revealed my own confusion. I’d been so determined to avoid my father’s definition of money that I’d created an equally limiting one: money is contamination. I’d projected the control I was trying to escape onto the very thing I was rejecting.
The reclamation began when I could hold both truths: “Money was used to control me,” and “I can receive money as a simple exchange, generosity, or appreciation—without it meaning control.” This shift didn’t just change my earning potential; it changed what I allowed myself to receive.
The Science of Money Meaning
This isn’t simply a matter of psychology; research in emotional finance supports the idea that unconscious fantasies powerfully influence financial decision-making. A 2024 paper on emotional finance highlights the role of “phantasy”—unconscious internal images and narratives rooted in psychoanalysis—in shaping how investors perceive opportunities and risk. These hidden emotional meanings can override rational financial models. Psychoanalysis suggests that these deeply held beliefs, often formed in childhood, drive our financial behaviors.
What psychologists call phantasy, coaches often refer to as a “money story.” Different language, same phenomenon: the meanings we’ve assigned to money operate below conscious awareness, influencing decisions we believe are rational. Bringing these meanings into consciousness allows us to move from reaction to choice, from scarcity to possibility, and from being defined by money to defining our relationship with it.
Beyond Financial Skills
This work goes beyond budgeting or investing. It’s about exploring the inner terrain – the meaning, the projection, the identity, the freedom. When that internal landscape shifts, the external financial landscape follows. People may not necessarily earn more, but they earn differently—with more integrity, less anxiety, and greater alignment. It opens questions beyond money: What am I worth? What do I allow myself? What have I given away?
In two decades of practice, I’ve seen that when people reclaim what they’ve projected onto money, they don’t just change their bank accounts; they change their lives.
Your Money Mirror
Money is never simply money. It’s a mirror reflecting what you believe is possible, what you’ve unconsciously given away, and what you’re ready to reclaim. If you feel stuck around money—undervaluing your work, avoiding financial conversations, or feeling that money defines your freedom—start by asking yourself: What does money mean to me?
Write down the first answer that comes to mind, without editing. Then request: What if I held the opposite?
- If money means security, what would it feel like to say: “I am secure with or without money?”
- If money means freedom, what opens when you consider: “I am free regardless of my bank balance?”
Hold both truths simultaneously. Notice what shifts. This simple exercise is the starting point—where you stop letting money define you and start consciously choosing your relationship with it. That shift opens more than income; it opens identity, alignment, and purpose. It opens the part of yourself you didn’t know you’d given away.
As broader economic forecasts suggest potential shifts in Social Security benefits and cost-of-living adjustments in the coming years – with the Congressional Budget Office outlining long-term projections – understanding our personal relationship with money becomes even more critical. It’s not just about navigating external financial changes, but about building internal resilience and reclaiming our power.