Why “That’s More Like It” Hurts Your Adult Child | Psychology Today
Navigating relationships with adult children can be complex, especially when they’re facing challenges. Parents often want to offer support and encouragement, but sometimes, well-intentioned words can inadvertently create distance. The desire to help can lead to phrases that, whereas seemingly positive, can actually undermine a grown child’s progress and trigger feelings of inadequacy. Understanding which words to avoid – and what to say instead – is crucial for fostering a healthy, supportive connection.
The Unintended Impact of “That’s More Like It”
A seemingly harmless phrase, “That’s more like it,” can be surprisingly damaging. While intended as a sign of approval, it implies that previous efforts were subpar. A recent coaching client shared a story illustrating this point: a father attempted to encourage his daughter’s new job by saying those very words, only to be met with frustration. The daughter felt her father was focusing on past perceived failures rather than simply acknowledging her current success. She wanted validation for her present achievement, not a comparison to previous struggles.
This dynamic highlights a common pitfall in parenting adult children: the tendency to dwell on past shortcomings instead of celebrating present progress. It’s a subtle but significant difference that can profoundly impact an adult child’s emotional state.
Overthinking and Emotional Vulnerability in Adult Children
The issue runs deeper than just a misspoken phrase. Many adult children, particularly those prone to overthinking, already grapple with self-doubt, fear of failure, and a desire to meet parental expectations. As discussed in the book Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, even well-intentioned pressure can exacerbate these internal struggles. Coaching techniques often focus on helping individuals break free from these worry loops. Conditional praise, like “That’s more like it,” can inadvertently reinforce those negative thought patterns, triggering a cycle of self-criticism, and anxiety.
The core issue is that conditional approval communicates a lack of unconditional acceptance. When praise is contingent on meeting certain standards, it can feel less like genuine support and more like a performance review. This can be particularly harmful for adult children who are already navigating the challenges of independence and self-discovery.
Acceptance Over Approval: A Shift in Perspective
So, what can parents say instead? The key is to prioritize acceptance over approval. Rather than focusing on how an adult child is measuring up to expectations, focus on acknowledging their efforts and validating their experiences.
Simple statements of acceptance can be incredibly powerful. Reflecting back what you observe – “I realize this has not been easy for you” – demonstrates empathy and understanding. Acknowledging their willingness to communicate – “I’m glad you are talking to me about this” – creates a safe space for open dialogue. Expressing respect for their effort – “I respect the effort you are making” – validates their commitment to growth. And offering unwavering support – “I’m on your side, no matter how long this takes” – provides a sense of security and reassurance.
These phrases lower defensiveness and encourage continued engagement. They create an environment where positive communication can flourish, fostering a stronger and more supportive relationship.
Beyond “That’s More Like It”: Other Phrases to Reconsider
While “That’s more like it” is a prime example, other phrases can also inadvertently push adult children away. Any statement that implies judgment or comparison – “Why can’t you be more like…” or “Try to have…” – can be detrimental. Similarly, minimizing their struggles – “It’s not that bad” or “You’re overreacting” – invalidates their feelings and undermines their sense of self-worth.
The goal isn’t to avoid offering guidance altogether, but to deliver it with empathy and respect. Instead of telling an adult child what they *should* do, ask open-ended questions that encourage self-reflection: “What are your thoughts on this?” or “How can I support you?”
The Role of Emotional Safety in Adult Child Relationships
Creating emotional safety is paramount. When adult children feel accepted and understood, they are more likely to share their struggles, seek support, and make positive changes. This sense of safety allows them to explore their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment, fostering a deeper and more meaningful connection with their parents.
This concept aligns with broader research on attachment theory, which emphasizes the importance of secure attachment relationships for emotional well-being. Online forums and discussions often highlight the lasting impact of insecure attachment patterns formed in childhood, and the challenges of navigating relationships with parents who struggle to provide consistent emotional support.
Navigating the Changing Dynamics of Parenthood
Parenting adult children requires a shift in perspective. It’s about moving from a role of direct control to one of supportive guidance. It’s about recognizing that your adult child is an independent individual with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. And it’s about embracing the opportunity to build a new kind of relationship – one based on mutual respect, acceptance, and unconditional love.
Resources like the “ABCs of Parenting Adult Children” podcast offer further insights and practical advice for navigating these evolving dynamics.
fostering a healthy relationship with your adult child requires conscious effort, empathy, and a willingness to let go of aged patterns. By choosing words that build connection rather than create distance, you can create a supportive environment where your child can thrive.